So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
