Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
