Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
