My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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