how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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