my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
