Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
