You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
