i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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