My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
