Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Semen is not good for contacts.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
