Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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