so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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