i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
