I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
