i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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