fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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