I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
