I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
