Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
