Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
