____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I AM VODKA MAN
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
