you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
