Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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