i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
