I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You ate ashes out of my bong
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
