I must be too annoying 4 u.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
