Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
