Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
