We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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