woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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