im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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