dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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