I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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