The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
