how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
