I swear god or herbie drove my car home
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
