I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
