as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Randomize
