You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
