He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
