i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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