how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
