I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
