non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
