I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
