UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
