some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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