I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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