Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
