He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
